Child Safety Information

Education

SAFE provides education and clinical supervision to other professionals and organisations that may need to manage child sex offenders.  These include social workers, church groups, alcohol and drug services, student counsellors and many more.

Last year SAFE, in collaboration with Child Youth & Family Services, published a booklet entitled "Ending Offending Together".  The booklet aims to inform and educate the public, including potential offenders. In 2005, we also developed a comprehensive training package for the Police, in collaboration with the Internet Safety Group and Rape Crisis.

Prevention

While much of our work is dedicated towards preventing re-offending, we’re also committed to increasing our role in primary prevention to raise public awareness of child sexual abuse.  We collaborate closely with other agencies in the child welfare sector, especially those who work with the victims of child sexual abuse.

Our aim is to help the wider community better understand the way child sexual abusers operate, how to recognise worrying behaviour before it gets out of control, and who to turn to for help.  An important part of this is teaching parents how to protect their children and teenagers from abusers, including those who pose a risk on the internet.

How to keep your child safe

Children of any age can be taught personal safety skills in the same way that we teach them about water safety, fire safety, traffic safety, and stranger danger.  Sexual abusers rely on children to feel powerless, vulnerable and confused.  Abusers are less likely to abuse children who are assertive, confident and informed.

Feelings

Take special care to help your children learn and understand their emotions.  Feelings are like ‘inside warning bells’ that can help children to work out when something is 'not right'.  If children are able to recognise, and act on their uncomfortable feelings and tell someone about it, they are less likely to get harmed.

Children learn from you

Children learn from and copy the adults they are close to.  If children see their parents valuing themselves, their bodies, and being strong, assertive and confident in their relationships with other people, then they will copy this behaviour and do the same.

Body ownership

All children need to know and be able to say "I am the boss of my body".  They need to feel good about their bodies and have some control over who touches them and how they are touched.

Private body places are private

Teach your children the proper names for the private parts of their bodies and help them understand why these parts are kept private.  Modelling this in your family is the best way to teach this to children.

Good and bad touching

Teach children the difference between good touches and bad touches and help them see how each of these touches makes a person feel.

For example

"Good touches" make me feel happy, safe and loved (like hugs with the people I love, cuddling the cat, High Fives etc).  "Bad touches" make me feel unhappy, hurt and yukky (like tickles that won't stop, pinches, getting hit or kicked, and touches on my private places).

Secrets

Secrets can be good or bad.  Good secrets make children feel happy - like birthday surprises and presents.  Bad secrets make children feel unhappy and worried or are about things that might get them or someone else in trouble.  Teach children that they should never keep a bad secret. Make sure that children understand they will not get into trouble if they tell a good or a bad secret.

Safe people

Children need to know that not all adults are safe and trustworthy people.  They also need to know that if a person or situation makes them feel uncomfortable or scared, then they may really not be safe.  Help your children to identify the safe people in their world.  Safe people are the people you trust and go to when you are worried or scared, especially in an emergency.

Obeying adults

Children should know that they do not have to obey an adult or an older person who gives them unsafe feelings, hurts or frightens them.  Tell children that it is OK to be impolite in order to keep themselves safe, and reassure them that they will not get into trouble, and that you will not be angry, if they do so.

Open communication

Develop a relationship with your child that is based on open communication.  Your child needs to feel safe and comfortable talking openly with you about anything, and know that you will not get angry.  Some community agencies provide 'keeping safe' education for children.  It is also available through the 'Keeping Ourselves Safe' programmes in some schools.

What to watch out for in children

Common signs that may indicate sexual abuse

Children and young people respond in different ways to sexual abuse.  Some abused children do not outwardly show any signs of distress while others may present with many symptoms. The typical signs listed below may occur as a result of sexual abuse but may also occur because of other reasons, e.g. when parents separate, the death of someone close to the child, bullying and teasing at school.  If a child has a number of the signs listed below you should begin asking questions or seek advice from someone expert in the area of childhood or adolescent problems. Don't jump to conclusions.  Determining whether a child has been sexually abused can be very difficult in some cases, and is best left to people trained in this area.

Behavioural signs

• Emotional changes e.g. angry outbursts, sadness and crying, tantrums, insecurity and unhappiness
• Uncharacteristic anxieties, clinginess and unwillingness to separate from parent/s
• An older child going back to behaving like a younger child, like bed-wetting or thumb sucking
• Becoming withdrawn from peers and social activities
• Sleeping problems and frequent nightmares
• Changes in toileting
• Difficulties with concentration and a drop in school grades
• Behaviour problems at school e.g. defiance, poor concentration, disruptiveness
• Loss of appetite or overeating
• A change in self esteem and low self worth
• Developing fears of certain people and places
• Talking about having a secret that seems to worry them
• Sexual behaviours and language with other children, adults or toys that seem out of the ordinary
• Excessive masturbation
• Self-harming behaviours, e.g. hitting or cutting yourself
• Depression and suicidal thoughts / behaviours
• Aggressive behaviours, fighting and angry outbursts
• Running away and general withdrawal from people
• Loss of confidence
• Lying and stealing
• Lack of self care and taking unnecessary risks
• Feeling dirty and washing frequently
• Expressing disgust about intimacy and closeness
• Avoidance of touch
• Acting in sexually precocious ways including prostitution
• Alcohol and drug use
• Truancy
• Sexually abusive behaviours to others
• Cruelty to animals

Physical signs

• Unexplained bruises, redness, rashes or bleeding from the genitals, anus or mouth
• Pain in the genital area, anus or mouth
• Genital sores or milky fluids in the genital area
• Sexually transmitted infections (STIs)
• Unexplained or persistent physical illness e.g. chronic headaches, stomach aches

If you said yes to any of these physical signs it is important to see a doctor or contact an agency that can help you.

Children's sexual behaviour

Many children engage in sexual play during their childhood years.  It is normal for children to touch their own bodies and sometimes those of other children.  Games such as "playing doctors and nurses" and "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" are very common.

Children involved in such games:

• Are usually of a similar age, size and developmental level
• Are not forced to play the games
• Will be light-hearted and not upset by the games

Sometimes children's sexual play/behaviour goes beyond normal limits.  Generally, children's sexual behaviour is of concern if it occurs repeatedly, is out of balance with their other activities, and continues even when an adult intervenes.  Sexual play between children is also considered inappropriate in some cultures.

Sexual behaviour between children is abusive if:

• It hurts, frightens or upsets one, or both children
• One child has greater sexual knowledge than the other child
• One child uses force, threats, bribery or coercion in order to get the other child to participate
• One child forces another child to keep the behaviour a secret
• One child is bigger, older and more developmentally advanced than the other child

Children may behave in sexual ways because they have been sexually abused, have witnessed sexual behaviour, or have experienced other emotional difficulties.  Very often children are confused by what they have experienced and do not understand what is appropriate behaviour.

While their behaviour is abusive, these children should not be regarded in the same way we regard adults who sexually abuse.  These children need specialised education and guidance.

Safe and unsafe behaviour for adults around children

Most adult behaviour around children is safe.

For example:

• Respecting children's wishes about when and how they are touched; such as when a child says to stop tickling or play fighting because they have had enough
• Respecting children's privacy around things like bathing and dressing
• Adults being open to comments if their behaviour around children causes concern to others

However, there will be times when adult behaviour around children should cause you concern. Have you ever seen someone playing with a child and felt uncomfortable with it?  Maybe you thought "I'm just over-reacting", or "he/she doesn't really mean that".  Sometimes there will be nothing to worry about.  At other times, you should worry.  A time to be especially watchful is when there is a new adult in the household, e.g. step-parent, boarder, babysitter, partner.

Some adult behaviour around children is unsafe.

Do you know an adult or teenager who:

• Insists on hugging, touching, kissing, tickling, wrestling with or holding a child even when the child does not want this affection or attention?
• Asks lots of questions about the sexuality of a particular child or teenager, e.g. talks repeatedly about the child’s developing body or intrudes on normal teenage dating?
• Creates opportunities to get time alone or insists on having time alone with a child or young teenager with little opportunity for another person to interrupt or intervene?
• Spends most of his/her spare time with children or young teenagers and has little interest in spending time with someone his/her own age?
• Makes you feel "shut-out" as a parent or isolates your child?
• Regularly offers to baby-sit many different children for free or takes children or young teenagers on overnight outings or holidays alone?
• Buys children or teenagers expensive gifts or food or gives them money for no apparent reason?
• Allows children or teenagers to consistently get away with inappropriate behaviours?
• Repeatedly intrudes on a child's privacy by "accidentally" walking in on them in the toilet, in the bathroom, or when they are getting changed when it is not really necessary?
• Insists on having an older child sleep with him/her?
• Seems to demonstrate excessive control over a child, e.g. not letting the child make his/her own decisions or not letting the child be involved in activities outside of the home?
• Talks about inappropriate sexual behaviour with children or calls them sexual names, even if done in a joking manner?
• Visits children’s chat rooms on the internet or collects or downloads pornography involving children?
• Nearly always wants their adult sexual partners to dress as a child or pretend they are a child during sex?

If you know someone who behaves in some of these ways, this person may have a problem.  If you see these signs, talk to someone that can help, such as one of the agencies listed on this website.

Copyright © 2008, SAFE Network Incorporated (an Incorporated Society)
PO Box 8726, Symonds Street, Auckland, New Zealand
Phone 09 377 9898 • Fax 09 377 9229 • email  info@safenz.org